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Divorce 8/21/2002 The Edited Version

As I have heard my divorce has come as a great shock to all of my friends, acquaintances, family and curious outsiders I have decided to take a moment to purge my conscience and to allow you a look into what the real reasons where for my leaving the woman I was married to. Before I begin let me address those of you who would tear me apart for this act. I am not doing this to hurt anyone. I am writing this to get it off my chest and to put an end to the certain people playing the victim in this sad part of both of our lives. There was a time I loved her and yes, I do still care but I am tired of having the blame placed on me when we were equally at fault. Those that know me know I am not a liar, I speak the truth and let it be known I very seriously took my vows but there comes a time when it is either continue on a self sacrificing path or walk away a survivor. I chose to survive. These are my thoughts and my opinions based on actual events and occurrences as they happened.

I met the girl I was to marry at a time in my life when I had given up on women all together. We met at a party where her current boyfriend had made a total ass of himself while in a drunken stupor. Not long after that she broke up with him and a week after that, I began to see her on more of a personal basis. She seemed nice, her best friend dated my brother and we had a lot of the same interests, sounds good so far right? I am not going to lie, it was. Soon after we began to see each other I made the realization that she liked women. I thought, “oh great, I meet a girl I really like and she doesn’t like men.” Sounds like the end of the story, right? We could be friends but not have the intimate relationship I desired. I was wrong. Even after admitting to me that she did fancy women she made it clear that she still wanted to see me. I look back and I am not sure why – perhaps she wanted to keep up a front to her family and friends, perhaps she did not want to lose my friendship, perhaps in some way she did love me. Maybe she stayed with me because I knew what she was and I was not shocked or disgusted. I don’t know – all I do know was that I had found someone to love and at the time that was what I needed in my life. I ignored the warning signs; I did not want to see what the truth was. I just wanted someone to hold, to love someone and to have that love returned in whatever way I could.

There were a few times in our relationship that I should have known to walk away. I was disrespected and humiliated in front of my friends. I was overlooked in favor of a woman. Even though I did marry her, I never forgave her for those indiscretions and I never completely trusted her again. I was even shown signs that should have alerted me to the fact that it was a doomed relationship. It was my fault I ignored those signs.

Looking back I really don’t know why we stayed together. It was not out of love, more out of convenience. I mean it was about 2 years before we even told one another we loved each other or for that matter admitted that we were even dating. We just enjoyed what we had with each other – a comfortable, uncomplicated relationship that saved us from having to get out and actually find what we were really needing and searching for. The longer we were together problems began to crop up more and more as my need for an intimate, loving relationship became stronger. The more I awakened the more I realized there were things out there that could not be denied me. I tried to make things work out; she was dating other women so I did some research. I mean why could we not both be happy? I wanted things to work out, I had given my oath to be with her until death do us part but I was becoming increasingly unhappy and dissatisfied with our relationship. We talked about things and to be honest polyamoury seemed like a good idea when I discovered it. We tried menage-a-trios but to be honest while it is every man’s fantasy it is actually rather awkward in the flesh. She had her other relationships but I did not have the time or environment to find one of my own. It was only later did I discover that polyamoury was not what I was looking for. I had been spending time searching for anything to save my marriage and myself. Grasping at straws so to speak because not only was I losing myself in a spiraling abyss but also I had stopped caring and where once was love began to breed resentment. I tried to talk things out but she never saw how bad things were. Why would she? She was living her life the way she wanted it. She had her a husband to present to the community at large, take her out to social events and she had her girlfriends on the side. I was the perfect cover for her. I guess that sounds a little bitter – but let me tell you when you realize that you’re the second fiddle in the band you started, one can begin to get a little bitter.

I gave up and decided to just be unhappy. I mean I dated her knowing all of her problems and I married her anyway. I knew what I was getting into before hand and I did not stop myself. I had to face facts and accept the life that I had made for myself.

It is funny how once you accept your fate life throws you a curve ball. Not long after I gave up I felt a strong urge to go to Jackson. It was a great evening full of new friends, high quality scotch, Irish drinking songs and a lady the likes of which I had never met before. Her energy drew me to her and I knew there was something special as we talked. There was one problem though – my best friend was attracted to her. Over the next few weeks she and I talked some and she told my friend he was like a cousin to her and no more. Freed from my oath of friendship by those words I spent more time with her. Something clicked – a deeper recognition than I had ever experienced before and I knew that she was someone I had to know.

She knew of my situation though and made things perfectly clear that it was unacceptable to her personally no matter how she felt about me. We could be friends and nothing more. We continued to spend time together – our passion for one another and our need to be together overcoming everything. Then one night she begged me to let her go – that she could not do this anymore and in that moment I knew I could not give her up. I had wanted to get out of my marriage for sometime and her pleading eyes were the final catalyst in a change I had been putting off for too long. She could be everything to me, she already was and in her eyes I knew I had to make a change. Whether it worked out or it didn’t – I had to try.

My ex was less than happy with my decision to leave although she never tried to stop the divorce. She treated the whole thing as more of an inconvenience than heartbreak. I can only hope one day she can see that I did it for her as well as myself. She needs to come to terms with who and what she is and then she will be open to finding the same sort of love I have. You see for all of the mistakes I have made in our relationship, all the bad feelings I have for the way things turned out, I do still care for her and I want her to be happy. She has to find happiness in herself though and only she can do that.

Editor’s Note: Some replies to this post are concerning an earlier, more emotinally raw version.
Some replies are screend so that only the poster and the replier can read them.

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